History of

The Frederick Grotto


Hang On!

In the beginning, I Andy B Celmer created The Frederick Grotto and I saw that it was good! Many years later while exploring virgin passage, I discovered a cache of bat bones. I immediately realized this was no ordinary pile of bones, it was Choeronycteris Mexicana, The Mexican long-tongued bat. I scooped up this incredible find and rushed forthwith to my laboratory. Editor's note, this was before I invented the Three Laws! Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints, waste nothing but time. But I digress!

Fountain Cave

Fountain Cave

Many late nights passed before I discovered the secretes of my rare find. Meticulously noted trials indicated I could reanimate the bones! But that's not All! I could grow human clones from these bones. That's right! Bones to clones! This became the first Test Tube Baby. I named her Moon Unit. Unfortunately Moon Unit was stricken by a fatal vocal disease, previously observed only in the California Valley region.

Jones Quarry Cave

Jones Quarry Cave

In the early to mid 1980's, a fellow named Bob Bennet contacted My Frederick Grotto. As a dedicated scientist and caver, I of course returned his call, however he failed to follow up. History shows that this saved the life of Bob Bennett, as he was not associated with me when the terrible accident occurred in my lab. That accident destroyed all my clones with a fatal outbreak of Terminal Flatulence. I miraculously survived, but continue to be a carrier of the disease. But I again digress!

I started my clones again, determined to succeed. Let me be Perfectly Clear! These were not clones of me but of Choeronycteris Mexicana! As such I could enhance bat abilities in their human form. Some had the ability to see in the dark, others had extra sharp hearing, still others could cling to ceilings. Despite my many achievements, there were deficiencies I could not correct. Some would always pee on the toilet seat; these turned out to be male.

Another deficiency only afflicted the female of the species. This deficiency is best described by the Great Philosopher James Garner in the following conversation with his faithful assistant.

James Garner "There's one thing you can depend on about a woman"

Assistant "What's that!"

James Garner "They'll change on you."

Assistant "How'd you get to know so much about women!"

Fast forwarding to the present day, you will find The Frederick Grotto populated by the original mutant clones I created so many years ago. My only regret is finding the tons of insects they eat every year.